Zombmemes: I Herd U Liek Undeadz

“How are we going to tell the people Bill? You’re so anxious in your rehearsal, you need to know what to say and when to say it!?” The nervous producer said tentatively.

Bill was not amused, his tie flicked angrily like it were the forked tongue of some hungry lizard, he slammed his hand on the desk angrily and screamed “FUCK IT! WE’LL DO IT LIVE!” Bill embarrassed himself somewhat by doing this but most people were already aware of his crippling douchebagitis and so just laughed.

The time for doing it live came (that’s what she said) – and Bill was more relaxed and sombre. His voice now carried an air of paternal comfort, but beneath that thin veneer of false compassion, everyone knew Bill was still a heartless demon. “Ladies and Gentlemen, we come to you live with this emergency bulletin. Yesterday, at approximately 6pm, a small child, known as Charlie, bit his brother – on the finger, allegedly. This set into motion a trail of events that today has led to the deaths of millions and threatens to kill more – indeed, it threatens to kill us all. Humans get bitten, they turn into zombies – You can’t explain that! The government advises that you kindly sit tight and allow yourselves to die while the rich people hide away underground ready to enslave survivors in FEMA camps once it has all blown over. Now here’s a clip of a reporter treading grapes and falling over!”

Somewhere, in the distance, one could hear the loud cries of “FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

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Philosoraptor’s Thoughts

If a human bites a zombie, does the zombie turn human?
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“Ancient Aliens Guy, Y U NO HAVE THE ANSWERS!?” said Y U NO Guy.

“I don’t know the answers. But I know who sent us the questions...It was aliens! Do you know extraterrestrials helped develop mankind!?”

“Cool story, bro!” came a sarcastic reply.

“But what are we going to do?” came a vaguely sensible voice!

“They bite, we fight. Only doubt holds you back!” came a husky voice from the back.

“Erm...You’re a wolf, who the fuck are you to give advice!?” the sensible voice piped up again.

“Look, all I know,” said Bear, “Is that, when a zombie apocalypse comes...You’re going to need to drink a lot of your own piss!”

“DRINK ALL THE PISS!” another excited voice screamed.

“I say we fight. Get me a M1 Garand, with a scope and a bayonet and shit, I’ll rip the zombies to shreds like I do on Nazi Zombies all the fucking time, bro! BOOM! HEADSHOT!” said an enthusiastic young man.

“Watch out!” Neil added, “We got a badass over here!”

The boy’s father stepped in to make sure everyone knew this was false bravado. “Son...” he said, the pause being one pregnant with an infant of shame, much as the boy’s mother had been, “...I am disappoint.”

“I can’t fight! I took an arrow in the knee!” said a tired old knight. “Hinders my movement, you see. I’ll probably die!” His defeated manner of speech made Keanu sad.

“YOU DON’T SAY!” shouted a rather threatening, apathetic Nic Cage.

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Socially Awkward Penguin Says;

Bite playfully during sex...

...Get shot for being zombie.
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“Right, this looks dangerous.” said the sensible voice, now in different company than previously, having left on account of their all being silly memes. “We’ve got a horde of vicious flesh eaters outside the door. How are we going to get through!?”

“DO A BARREL ROLL!” said Peppy.

“Peppy, now is not the time to...”

“DO A BARREL ROLL!” Peppy interrupted.

“Here’s what we’ll do...” Someone else said.

“...A barrel roll?” Peppy interrupted again.

“I’ll charge through, get to that KFC over there where I’ll get hot oil and clear the way for the rest of you leaving in my wake a pile of crispy deep fried zombie...”

“Okay, great plan, when will we...” replied the sensible voice before being interrupted again.

“LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JENKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!” shouted Leeroy as he ran through the crowd to KFC. Two zombies fell in a sexually suggestive heap...

RULE 34!

...and Leeroy ploughed through them all the way to the chicken shop. The spicy, oily aromas filled his nostrils and suddenly the brushed stainless steel of the kitchen was very alluring.

“Leeroy?” Said Sensible.

“DO A BARREL ROLL!” said Peppy.

“Leeroy!?” Sensible said again. “Leeroy!? LEEROY!? AREN’T YOU GOING TO HELP US! YOU CAN’T JUST STAY THERE, YOU’LL DIE!”

“...least I have chicken...” he replied, and nommed some juicy chicken titties.

Sensible facepalmed.

“DO A BARREL ROLL!” said Peppy, and forehead met the heel of the hand once more. “No, you daft motherfuckers! Listen to me. There’s a big fucking barrel of explosive there – precariously dangled above the area in which we are worrying about how to get through the fucking zombies. ROLL THE FUCKING BARREL – It’ll go boom, we all win! Motherfuckers never listen to me...DO A BARREL ROLL, DO A BARREL ROLL! I suppose you think it’s a big joke! IT’S SOUND FUCKING ADVICE!” Peppy added angrily and was correct. A huge barrel was above there, but there was one problem. It seemed to be held in place...BY MAGNETS!

“FUCKING MAGNETS! How do they work!?” came the voice of a fat man pretending to be tough by wearing excessive amounts of makeup.

Luckily, sensible realised that the magnetic force was quite a weak one and with enough resistance it can easily be overcome, so he pushed the barrel and it rolled down and hit the zombies and they exploded into lots of bits of rotting meat and shit. Following behind, Xzibit approached the zombies with a new weapon.

“Yo dawg! I heard you like shotgun shells, so I put shotgun shells on your shotgun shells so you can get shot while you’re being shot!” He cried triumphantly, and got into his car-inside-a-car, opening the passenger side door tauntingly “YO DAWG!” he said with even more excitement, “I heard you like shotguns, so I put shotguns in your shotguns – then you get in here,” he pointed to the passenger seat “And you can ride shotgun while you shotgun with shotguns!”

“X-to-tha-motherfuckin’-Z, I do rather suspect you have a mental problem. I’m not sure you should be shotgunning while you shotgun with all those shotguns and a twice shotgun shelled zombie riding shotgun. Health and safety, you know?” said Sensible, sensibly.

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Trolololol’s Advice

I suggest you put on the radio! There’s an emergency broadcast telling you where to go to get help and be protected!

*Puts on radio*

“Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you...”

TROLOLOLOL RICKROLOLOLOL!

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NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN.

NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN.

“NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN!” NYAN NYAN NYAN. NYAN NYAN NYAN “NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN.”

“NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN! NYAN!” NYAN NYAN.

NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN.

NYAN, NYAN NYAN. DERP!

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Is that a member of the walking dead, come back to life to feast upon our living human flesh?

Nope, Chuck Testa!

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“Laydeez an jentulmans. Is meh, Ceiling Cat. Am come to tells yoo awl dat fings is rilly okai! Am deeling wiz teh problums now. Iz just sum zombeez. COME AT ME BRO! YEAH! NOT SO TOUGH NOW! “ Ceiling cat said reassuringly, and being an omniscient, omnipotent sort, probably got shit done.

And so, ceiling cat, and the army of irritatingly cute, brightly coloured and adored by adult men ponies kicked the zombie threat out of Memeland – Possibly with a Zerg rush.

“You’ll never be a successful writer with shit like this!” said Cereal Guy.

Many Pokémon joined the battle too, including Mudkips. I herd you liek mudkipz.

“Serious, he’s not going to end like this is he!?” Cereal Guy added.

And not a single fuck was given that day.

“Pftpsphrphftplsplat!” Apart from by cereal guy, who spat his cereal fucking everywhere. 

He

Alone atop a hill sat a wish. A dream. 
His hair flowing casually in the breeze, 
like it was dancing. A tango of truth. 
He gazed wistfully into the distance, 
his blank expression telling a story. 
A tale of woe. Of battles lost and won. 
Of love and loss. Of a dead heart. 

The sun rose in the distance.
Hugging the horizon and reflected
in the ocean, like a sea of gold. 
He watched. But it did not stir him.
For warmth was a pain to him. 
He had no regard for himself. 
He was a wish for others. 
He was their dream. Their desire. 

He was a body without form. 
A deserving unworthiness. 
An ego with self disregard. 
He was but a dream. 
Fearing the awakening.  

Your Unicorn is Just a Horse

One day you must just close the book
and tell yourself 
“The fairytale does not exist.”

The melancholy shall pass. 
You will learn the hollow futility 
of mourning the loss 
of something you never even had
to lose. 

Your eyes, strained and teary
will, for a while, 
see only shades of sad blue-grey. 
But colour will return. 
Vibrancy will come again. 

And as you see the world anew
you will spy new opportunities. 
New tales, greater than those fictions. 
You will see that your unicorn 
is just a horse. 
But with it you can do many a great thing. 

And the truth. That provides great clarity. 
In this tale
even the good guys die in the end.  

Ice Cream

Delicate crystals twinkle, 
formed into a ball and placed
atop a waffled king 
like some sweet, majestic crown. 

Each molten drip that falls
down the sides of the crispy
body that holds it aloft,
looking like creamy tears of joy.

And each lap a labour of love
as you savour the sweet creamy flavour. 
Ice cold, yet so warming.
A sweet treat, a delight in heat.  

It's About Fucking

Two vines intertwined 
a verdant mesh and mangle.
Dripping dew drops 
the malachite lovers entangled 
in unbridled glory. 

Nature holds no greater beauty. 
As one viridian beast locks with another, 
fairer in texture, in heart, in spirit
and clasps his myriad tendrils around her
prickling at her delicate stoma
with his proud, erect thorns. 

A savagely beautiful act, 
from which flowers bloom
and sweet fruits grow;
and seeds of progeny planted
make the miracle of life.  

Blushing

What cosmic sweet nothings are whispered, 
softly, and lovingly into the ears of the sky
to make it blush such a rich magenta
as the sun rises and falls?

What words of love, 
or delicate, yet unsuspected kiss
does the sun bestow upon her 
that she should turn such shade? 

Aye, but a blushing sky is only half as magnificent
as the delicate rose hued cheeks of a lady. 
Her coy smile setting her face in a pose
so timeless and pulchritudinous 
as a pre-Raphaelite oil on canvas. 

How I long to brush those rouged cheeks
with my rude, unworthy hand. 
How much I want to embrace that timeless beauty
and absorb the warmth emanating from her soul
and ease the freezing of my own shattered icicle heart. 
So that I, like the sky, may feel kissed by the sun. 
And hear those same words that make our cerulean canopy
turn pink, and flushed with arousal. 

Moments Part II

Time’s knife slices lines of longitude
and darkness and light creep around
following them and enforcing their rule.  
The sun and moon but nightwatchmen
of Time’s tyrannical rule. 

Communications across these lines 
are like conversational time travel. 
Discovering tomorrow’s occurrences today. 
Happenings now that occurred tomorrow, 
yet are happening in someone’s yesterday. 

It all merely exist to highlight Time
and it’s consistent inconsistency. 
Whether shortest moment, 
or longest eternity
it matters not. 
Because they don’t exist. 

There is no today, tomorrow, or yesterday
but in our minds and memories. 
All there is, is now, and now has just gone
as it always shall go just as you realise it. 

I Am Forgotten

I am truth and I am forgotten. 
Cast out for sensationalism and profit. 
If you look hard enough, you may find me
crying at the bottom of page 45, 
or hidden away in a grainy documentary. 

I am love and I am forgotten. 
Replaced by lust and selfish desire. 
I am still there, but I’m not encouraged. 
Because sex sells, and I don’t. 
Because I don’t parade around
in my lingerie. 

I am knowledge and I am forgotten. 
displaced by who wears what, why and when. 
The cult of personality draws attention
while I, pariah, wander the wastes
and too few meet me. 

I am joy and I am forgotten. 
Well, less forgotten and more corrupted. 
I used to be free, but now I come with a price. 
Slapped upon me by slavemasters 
who decide what your smile is worth. 

I am a human being, and I am forgotten. 
My stories don’t litter your papers or TVs. 
I am capable of great things, yet achieve nothing. 
I appear to be but capital, tied up in flesh. 
But I am a human being. 
and I am forgotten. 

Theory Of Relativity V. 2.0 - Love

Bound by laws we pontificate. 
Scientists day by day try to figure them out.
Hypothesis and theory abounds, but, no answer. 

Religion tries to find the right ones yet, 
division leads to their questioning. 
They do not have it right; no answer. 

Everyday people usually wander
aimlessly, bound by the rules but unfussed. 

But each emerald pasture, 
or delicate, virgin tundric snowfield. 
Each rolling ocean, crashing percussive
against time long, always strong cliffs;
They know the answer. 

The cosmos has myriad rules binding 
her processes. Like clockwork they work 
regular, precise, balanced. 

If enough scientists and mathematicians 
could put their dogmas aside 
and word hard, they would see. 
All are one. 
There is but one overriding rule. 
LOVE=Everything. 
Love is the answer to all your questions. 

There is nothing sweeter, greater or more powerful. 
Love=Everything. 

Love can hit you faster than the speed of light. 
It can make you leap as though gravity does not exist. 
It can overbear your natural instincts. 
Love is the most powerful force in the universe. 
So let’s use it. 
I love you. 

Just a Ghost

You’re just a ghost. 
A faded, sepiatone outline
of what was, and now isn’t. 
You’re just a chill down a spine. 
A prickled hair. 
A soft, hollow reminder of what used to be. 
You’re just a ghost. 

Swimming in the grim ether
you try to find your friends. 
But all you find are artifacts 
of a life you used to know. 
You’re just a ghost. 
Phasing phantasmal 
through walls that never were
still looking for your friends. 
They’re not like you. 
They don’t know that they’re already dead. 
They don’t know, they’re just ghosts. 

Like notes of a gentle ballad
carried on a cradling ocean breeze
your voice is but a distant melody. 
Faint, yet haunting. 
And you wonder, in your spectral haze, 
“Do they still remember me?” 
After all, you’re just a ghost.

Loneliness Sat

Loneliness sat bathing 
in a pool of his own bitter tears. 
Surrounded by abandoned jetsam; 
the pieces of his own heart.
They were broken, flaked 
and caked in dirt and misery. 
His hollow eyes were disguised
by a crystalline film of misery. 
They sparkled like a diamond ring
on a dead man.  
He tried to speak, 
but so long had he been without conversation
he could only grunt, and nod wistfully. 

Oh that the icy blue necrosis lips
could once again feel the touch
of another pair. Plump, pink
and flushed with life. 

Oh that his body, stricken with mortis
could embrace its revivification 
via the electric touch of life
and love’s sweet, delicate hand. 

But no. Loneliness sat. 
Bathing in his own tears.

Starlit Path

Inconsequential crystal flowers shattered at the touch
and a dust cloud formed in spectral tonalities;
Brownian motion, flitting, fleeting. 
Gazing, stepping in the abyss
on a starlit path to nowhere. 

Vast planets joined in matrimony, wed by ethereal rings
surrounded by icy, rocky crowds; their spectators. 
A hole erupted in celebration, in unity and singularity
All were drawn into his magnetic abyss
on a starlit path to nowhere. 

The tears of Shiva collided with sorry astral spirits
whose decay met with the wishful kiss of God
and the particles conjoined anew to form a cheeky smile.
The cradle of heaven’s creation is an abyss
on a starlit path to nowhere. 


Green leaves in the eyes of man were stronger than the cosmos.
Guiding his hand to sin and misery unheard of, unseen, unspoken. 
Oh how he forgets that once suckled upon the teat of her, 
his mother. From the womb of the abyss
on a starlit path to nowhere.  

And thence were ideas lost and gone, with minds but a lingering memory
of the superconsciousness that exists in unity. 
Everything is naught, and naught everything.
For all is but the abyss
on a starlit path to nowhere. 

Obvious Enough?

Two jewels twinkle in the window. 
Their visage a mirage,  a thing of beauty
with, I’m sure, great tits
and an awesome booty!

A slender, toned and supple vessel
stood a Goddess; Aphrodite, Venus
and I can tell you this for free
I’d like for her to touch my penis!

But her soul the most pure factor
of her being - makes my heart thunderous.
And I would shake that soul to shit
if there were bedsprings lying under us!

Take from these words what you will
their message is quite apparent.
You looks can set my dick a-twitch
and your eyes make me transparent.
But most of all you’re admirable.
A word I seldom use.
So here’s hoping I stay strong.
For I have a lot to lose.