“How
are we going to tell the people Bill? You’re so anxious in your rehearsal, you
need to know what to say and when to say it!?” The nervous producer said
tentatively.
Bill was not amused, his tie flicked angrily like it were the forked tongue of
some hungry lizard, he slammed his hand on the desk angrily and screamed “FUCK
IT! WE’LL DO IT LIVE!” Bill embarrassed himself somewhat by doing this but most
people were already aware of his crippling douchebagitis and so just laughed.
The time for doing it live came (that’s what she said) – and Bill was more
relaxed and sombre. His voice now carried an air of paternal comfort, but
beneath that thin veneer of false compassion, everyone knew Bill was still a
heartless demon. “Ladies and Gentlemen, we come to you live with this emergency
bulletin. Yesterday, at approximately 6pm, a small child, known as Charlie, bit
his brother – on the finger, allegedly. This set into motion a trail of events
that today has led to the deaths of millions and threatens to kill more –
indeed, it threatens to kill us all. Humans get bitten, they turn into zombies –
You can’t explain that! The government advises that you kindly sit tight and
allow yourselves to die while the rich people hide away underground ready to
enslave survivors in FEMA camps once it has all blown over. Now here’s a clip
of a reporter treading grapes and falling over!”
Somewhere, in the distance, one could hear the loud cries of “FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”
********************************************************************************
Philosoraptor’s Thoughts
If a human bites a zombie, does the zombie turn human?
********************************************************************************
“Ancient Aliens Guy, Y U NO HAVE THE ANSWERS!?” said Y U NO Guy.
“I don’t know the answers. But I know who sent us the questions...It was
aliens! Do you know extraterrestrials helped develop mankind!?”
“Cool story, bro!” came a sarcastic reply.
“But what are we going to do?” came a vaguely sensible voice!
“They bite, we fight. Only doubt holds you back!” came a husky voice from the
back.
“Erm...You’re a wolf, who the fuck are you to give advice!?” the sensible voice
piped up again.
“Look, all I know,” said Bear, “Is that, when a zombie apocalypse comes...You’re
going to need to drink a lot of your own piss!”
“DRINK ALL THE PISS!” another excited voice screamed.
“I say we fight. Get me a M1 Garand, with a scope and a bayonet and shit, I’ll
rip the zombies to shreds like I do on Nazi Zombies all the fucking time, bro!
BOOM! HEADSHOT!” said an enthusiastic young man.
“Watch out!” Neil added, “We got a badass over here!”
The boy’s father stepped in to make sure everyone knew this was false bravado. “Son...”
he said, the pause being one pregnant with an infant of shame, much as the boy’s
mother had been, “...I am disappoint.”
“I can’t fight! I took an arrow in the knee!” said a tired old knight. “Hinders
my movement, you see. I’ll probably die!” His defeated manner of speech made
Keanu sad.
“YOU DON’T SAY!” shouted a rather threatening, apathetic Nic Cage.
**********************************************************************************
Socially Awkward Penguin Says;
Bite playfully during sex...
...Get shot for being zombie.
**********************************************************************************
“Right, this looks dangerous.” said the sensible voice, now in different
company than previously, having left on account of their all being silly memes.
“We’ve got a horde of vicious flesh eaters outside the door. How are we going
to get through!?”
“DO A BARREL ROLL!” said Peppy.
“Peppy, now is not the time to...”
“DO A BARREL ROLL!” Peppy interrupted.
“Here’s what we’ll do...” Someone else said.
“...A barrel roll?” Peppy interrupted again.
“I’ll charge through, get to that KFC over there where I’ll get hot oil and
clear the way for the rest of you leaving in my wake a pile of crispy deep
fried zombie...”
“Okay, great plan, when will we...” replied the sensible voice before being
interrupted again.
“LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY
JENKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!”
shouted Leeroy as he ran through the crowd to KFC. Two zombies fell in a
sexually suggestive heap...
RULE 34!
...and Leeroy ploughed through them all the way to the chicken shop. The spicy,
oily aromas filled his nostrils and suddenly the brushed stainless steel of the
kitchen was very alluring.
“Leeroy?” Said Sensible.
“DO A BARREL ROLL!” said Peppy.
“Leeroy!?” Sensible said again. “Leeroy!? LEEROY!? AREN’T YOU GOING TO HELP US!
YOU CAN’T JUST STAY THERE, YOU’LL DIE!”
“...least I have chicken...” he replied, and nommed some juicy chicken titties.
Sensible facepalmed.
“DO A BARREL ROLL!” said Peppy, and forehead met the heel of the hand once
more. “No, you daft motherfuckers! Listen to me. There’s a big fucking barrel
of explosive there – precariously dangled above the area in which we are
worrying about how to get through the fucking zombies. ROLL THE FUCKING BARREL –
It’ll go boom, we all win! Motherfuckers never listen to me...DO A BARREL ROLL,
DO A BARREL ROLL! I suppose you think it’s a big joke! IT’S SOUND FUCKING
ADVICE!” Peppy added angrily and was correct. A huge barrel was above there,
but there was one problem. It seemed to be held in place...BY MAGNETS!
“FUCKING MAGNETS! How do they work!?” came the voice of a fat man pretending to
be tough by wearing excessive amounts of makeup.
Luckily, sensible realised that the magnetic force was quite a weak one and
with enough resistance it can easily be overcome, so he pushed the barrel and
it rolled down and hit the zombies and they exploded into lots of bits of
rotting meat and shit. Following behind, Xzibit approached the zombies with a
new weapon.
“Yo dawg! I heard you like shotgun shells, so I put shotgun shells on your
shotgun shells so you can get shot while you’re being shot!” He cried
triumphantly, and got into his car-inside-a-car, opening the passenger side
door tauntingly “YO DAWG!” he said with even more excitement, “I heard you like
shotguns, so I put shotguns in your shotguns – then you get in here,” he
pointed to the passenger seat “And you can ride shotgun while you shotgun with
shotguns!”
“X-to-tha-motherfuckin’-Z, I do rather suspect you have a mental problem. I’m
not sure you should be shotgunning while you shotgun with all those shotguns
and a twice shotgun shelled zombie riding shotgun. Health and safety, you know?”
said Sensible, sensibly.
**********************************************************************************
Trolololol’s Advice
I suggest you put on the radio! There’s an emergency broadcast telling you where
to go to get help and be protected!
*Puts on radio*
“Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and
desert you...”
TROLOLOLOL RICKROLOLOLOL!
**********************************************************************************
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN
NYAN NYAN.
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN.
“NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN!” NYAN NYAN NYAN. NYAN NYAN NYAN “NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN.”
“NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN! NYAN!” NYAN NYAN.
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN
NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN.
NYAN, NYAN NYAN. DERP!
**********************************************************************************
Is that a member of the walking dead, come back to life to feast upon our
living human flesh?
Nope, Chuck Testa!
**********************************************************************************
“Laydeez an jentulmans. Is meh, Ceiling Cat. Am come to tells yoo awl dat fings
is rilly okai! Am deeling wiz teh problums now. Iz just sum zombeez. COME AT ME
BRO! YEAH! NOT SO TOUGH NOW! “ Ceiling cat said reassuringly, and being an
omniscient, omnipotent sort, probably got shit done.
And so, ceiling cat, and the army of irritatingly cute, brightly coloured and
adored by adult men ponies kicked the zombie threat out of Memeland – Possibly with
a Zerg rush.
“You’ll never be a successful writer with shit like this!” said Cereal Guy.
Many Pokémon joined the battle too, including Mudkips. I herd you liek mudkipz.
“Serious, he’s not going to end like this is he!?” Cereal Guy added.
And not a single fuck was given that day.
“Pftpsphrphftplsplat!” Apart from by cereal guy, who spat his cereal fucking
everywhere.
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